August 93

SUSPENSE. Who knows just when another Cycle Services Newsletter will come out ? Punctuality is just another word for predictability, and we live on the edge of reason where time is lost and found, like ¼" ball bearings in our plush, deep shag-pile carpet.

Never fear, CS is not CU, we’re back with another going off, hot shralve action, green, poseur free episode of the psycho tosser from hell newsletter, so why be normal, when you can be subversive ?

The NUMBER 5 is a landmark for any publication, the point at which critics ask the important question "now that they’ve found fame and fortune with a wider commercial audience, will they sell out ?

NO WAY SELL OUT – we promise, not even when we open our new branches in Elsdon, Taita and Eketahuna, will we ever advertise our newsletter on Moron FM, nor will we have a 30% off sale and flood the market with cut price newsletters.

A.We have this huge stack on green paper we got cheap, and have to unload somehow. Wanna buy some ?

A: To grow page by page into a 300 page glossy magazine, bigger and better than "Outlaw Biker Lifestyle" magazine, and sell copies for $18 each worldwide.

HOT FIVE: Five brand new brands destined to break through bigtime this season and establish market dominance, now that Cycle Services Marketing Division has created new HARDCORE IMAGE mountain bike type brand names for them:

1. Removing them: To get handgrips off, insert a long thin screwdriver between the grip and the bar, and squirt CRC down the gap. Work the CRC round, and the handgrip will slide easily off. Clean the CRC out with a rag, and the grips can be reused.

2. Fitting bar ends: To make the holes needed in the end of your grips so that you can slide them on further and fit bar ends, bash the end of the grip with a hammer. The handlebar will neatly cut a plug out of your grip from the inside.

3. Glueing handgrips: This simple concept seems to bring out the MacGyver in every mountain biker. The thought process goes something like this: "The guy in the shop said to glue my handgrips, so he must have meant hairspray. But if hairspray works, then flyspray would probably be just as good. And if flyspray is just as good, then I could probably use Cuddles fabric softener. And if Cuddles fabric softener would work, then there’s no reason why I couldn’t use ETA peanut butter. Then if I get lost in the bush I could eat my handgrips…" NO NO NO

We mean glue with glue. It doesn’t have to be Loctite #407 Super strength Permabond new extra heavy duty aircraft grade glue, although that works well. Any non water soluble contact glue designed for rubber and metal will do the job. We use Selleys Quick Grip, Ados or Bowes puncture repair vulcanising solution. Leave the grips to dry overnight before using them and you will have hardcore grip bondage action. HAPPY GRIPPING, DUDES.

"What has the world’s most hellish thrasher, Craig "sell me another derailleur" Nihilist Anderson done this month ?", many of you have been asking. Well, this time he tried to bust off his gear lever by slamming his kneecap into at 60kph and diving headfirst into a tree. Finally the bike stood up to the abuse and Craig "I have to walk backwards because of all the stitches in my knee" Nihilist Anderson is having a 3 week break from riding.

"What was happening next door on Friday when there were 10 fire engines outside and smoke pouring out all of the windows ?", many of you have been asking. "Is it true that Geoff and Tim from Midnight Espresso tried to roast their coffee beans in spa pool and triggered off a freak coffee bean combustion situation, leading to an out of control fire situation ?" All we can say is next time you’re in Midnight, ask them about their new smoked coffee, it’s going cheap, they’re having a fire sale.

Weird Al is the kind of hellman dude who never freaks out at a vert, he just shralves off the top, and goes off all the way to the bottom, getting major air on the knarly bits, and hanging out on the curves. But a minor crash on Mt Vic and he has been reduced to being a roadie dribbler riding around on a slug bondage action pigbike. All because his feeble carbon fibre got munted, his warranty is void and he is SOAL. How’s your form ? But stay tuned and we in the trade will let you know if carbon fibre can be repaired using new gaffer tape technology. Cycle Services – going where others fear to tread.

Name	Oliver Brookewhite
Nickname	Snap
Suburb	Kelburn
Age	30
Occupation	Pro MTB/Road Racer Team CYCLE SERVICES NIHILIST
Bikes	Bosomworth road YAK MTB
Components	Campag road, Shimano MTB, Mavic, Look, Vetta, Cinelli
Extras	Computer, lots of hats
Most awesome ride/race	Round Lake Taupo, 160k’s of scenic suffering
Other favourite rides	Rollercoaster/Hawkins Eastbourne & back
Favourite Food	McDonalds (Big Mac, 2 x cheeseburger, 2 x sm. fries). Weetbix
Favourite Music	Public Enemy, Pink Floyd, Metallica, Led Zep, Hip-hop, Thrash, Cruisy
Favourite Films	Terminator 1 & 2, Poseidon Adventure, The Man with 2 Brains
Favourite Books/Mags	Cycling Weekly, Benjamin Spock’s Baby Book, any Sci-Fi
Ambitions/Aspirations	Be a good father & not crash too often Managing CS Eketahuna branch
Hot Comment Action	Better heads than dead Mmm, sabotage Are you holding ? Call me an old traditionalist !

So it’s cold, wet and dark, but you’re hanging out for action. You need carpark thrashing. First find a big empty multifloor carpark, a worn out back tyre, and half a dozen other riders you want to slam into concrete slabs with.

Watch out for those dudes who sit in boxes counting cars going in and out. They don’t get much action, but asking mountain bikers to leave is a highlight for them, so it’s best to go in the backway if they’re still around. They generally go off to wherever dudes who sit in boxes go to in the evening, by about 7.30pm, so then on anything goes.

Indoor bike tag is the ideal car park game. One dude is in, and his objective is to make other dudes in by tagging them or making them out their feet down. This way is more tactical than belies this description, but if we tell you punters how to play properly you might be able to beat us, and that would never do. Let’s just say the more often your opponents crash, the better your tactics are.

Carpark Speedway racing is another wild, zany action sport. Line up at the top and race for the inside line on each carpark ramp. Rubber gets shredded, and tactics include the inside ram, the full on powerslide, the outside fast line, and the erratic crash and weave with a bit of random wheel booting if all else fails. The objective here is to pass whoever is in front using whatever tactics do the job. There are no rules, and no tossers survive past the first corner. If the dude you passed is now sliding down the ramp on his back, your tactics go off.