SUSPENSE. Who knows just when another Cycle Services Newsletter will come out ? Punctuality is just another word for predictability, and we live on the edge of reason where time is lost and found, like ¼" ball bearings in our plush, deep shag-pile carpet.
Never fear, CS is not CU, were back with another going off, hot shralve action, green, poseur free episode of the psycho tosser from hell newsletter, so why be normal, when you can be subversive ?
The NUMBER 5 is a landmark for any publication, the point at which critics ask the important question "now that theyve found fame and fortune with a wider commercial audience, will they sell out ?
NO WAY SELL OUT we promise, not even when we open our new branches in Elsdon, Taita and Eketahuna, will we ever advertise our newsletter on Moron FM, nor will we have a 30% off sale and flood the market with cut price newsletters.
Five commonly asked questions about the Cycle Services newsletter:
1.Q: Why is it always on green paper ?
A.We have this huge stack on green paper we got cheap, and have to unload somehow. Wanna buy some ?
2.Q: How come all the rider profiles are of Nihilists ?
A: There are more Nihilists than you think and they are all after you.
3. Q: Does NZ Cyclist Magazine get their ideas from the "CS" Newsletter ?
A: Yes, they copy it blatantly
4. Q: Is the newsletter written by another source, such as SAMS BIKE SHOP ?
A: Yes, all the deviant bits.
5. Q: What is your plan of newspaper expansion and dominance ?
A: To grow page by page into a 300 page glossy magazine, bigger and better than "Outlaw Biker Lifestyle" magazine, and sell copies for $18 each worldwide.
Hardcore HENRY TOMAC in action at Levin
HOT FIVE: Five brand new brands destined to break through bigtime this season and establish market dominance, now that Cycle Services Marketing Division has created new HARDCORE IMAGE mountain bike type brand names for them:
New CS Brand Names
1. Hwa Fong Long
2. Hsin Chum Muddy Sheep
3. Lifu Ling Slayer
4. Bor Yeuh Chong Bondage Thrash Beast
5. Quarity Dong
(+ 6. Magnum Stud)
1. Removing them: To get handgrips off, insert a long thin screwdriver between the grip and the bar, and squirt CRC down the gap. Work the CRC round, and the handgrip will slide easily off. Clean the CRC out with a rag, and the grips can be reused.
2. Fitting bar ends: To make the holes needed in the end of your grips so that you can slide them on further and fit bar ends, bash the end of the grip with a hammer. The handlebar will neatly cut a plug out of your grip from the inside.
3. Glueing handgrips: This simple concept seems to bring out the MacGyver in every mountain biker. The thought process goes something like this: "The guy in the shop said to glue my handgrips, so he must have meant hairspray. But if hairspray works, then flyspray would probably be just as good. And if flyspray is just as good, then I could probably use Cuddles fabric softener. And if Cuddles fabric softener would work, then theres no reason why I couldnt use ETA peanut butter. Then if I get lost in the bush I could eat my handgrips " NO NO NO
We mean glue with glue. It doesnt have to be Loctite #407 Super strength Permabond new extra heavy duty aircraft grade glue, although that works well. Any non water soluble contact glue designed for rubber and metal will do the job. We use Selleys Quick Grip, Ados or Bowes puncture repair vulcanising solution. Leave the grips to dry overnight before using them and you will have hardcore grip bondage action. HAPPY GRIPPING, DUDES.
"What has the worlds most hellish thrasher, Craig "sell me another derailleur" Nihilist Anderson done this month ?", many of you have been asking. Well, this time he tried to bust off his gear lever by slamming his kneecap into at 60kph and diving headfirst into a tree. Finally the bike stood up to the abuse and Craig "I have to walk backwards because of all the stitches in my knee" Nihilist Anderson is having a 3 week break from riding.
THE CUBA STREET SCENE
"What was happening next door on Friday when there were 10 fire engines outside and smoke pouring out all of the windows ?", many of you have been asking. "Is it true that Geoff and Tim from Midnight Espresso tried to roast their coffee beans in spa pool and triggered off a freak coffee bean combustion situation, leading to an out of control fire situation ?" All we can say is next time youre in Midnight, ask them about their new smoked coffee, its going cheap, theyre having a fire sale.
DEATH OF A GIANT CADEX
Weird Al is the kind of hellman dude who never freaks out at a vert, he just shralves off the top, and goes off all the way to the bottom, getting major air on the knarly bits, and hanging out on the curves. But a minor crash on Mt Vic and he has been reduced to being a roadie dribbler riding around on a slug bondage action pigbike. All because his feeble carbon fibre got munted, his warranty is void and he is SOAL. Hows your form ? But stay tuned and we in the trade will let you know if carbon fibre can be repaired using new gaffer tape technology. Cycle Services going where others fear to tread.
So its cold, wet and dark, but youre hanging out for action. You need carpark thrashing. First find a big empty multifloor carpark, a worn out back tyre, and half a dozen other riders you want to slam into concrete slabs with.
Watch out for those dudes who sit in boxes counting cars going in and out. They dont get much action, but asking mountain bikers to leave is a highlight for them, so its best to go in the backway if theyre still around. They generally go off to wherever dudes who sit in boxes go to in the evening, by about 7.30pm, so then on anything goes.
Indoor bike tag is the ideal car park game. One dude is in, and his objective is to make other dudes in by tagging them or making them out their feet down. This way is more tactical than belies this description, but if we tell you punters how to play properly you might be able to beat us, and that would never do. Lets just say the more often your opponents crash, the better your tactics are.
Carpark Speedway racing is another wild, zany action sport. Line up at the top and race for the inside line on each carpark ramp. Rubber gets shredded, and tactics include the inside ram, the full on powerslide, the outside fast line, and the erratic crash and weave with a bit of random wheel booting if all else fails. The objective here is to pass whoever is in front using whatever tactics do the job. There are no rules, and no tossers survive past the first corner. If the dude you passed is now sliding down the ramp on his back, your tactics go off.
RACE YOU TO THE CARPARK GROOVERS !
S i t e B y F R O T D E S I G N