"Why don’t you guys learn how to use the photocopier ?" some dross head CU tossers from hell have asked after seeing newsletter $ 5. Well, sorry dudes, but we meant the photos to come out like they did. After extensive testing on wasted university students, we found that GRUNGE photos elicit greater retinal response and increased mind enhancement. To achieve the desired effect, we took our original photos, and did copies of the copies until the impressive black in sensory overload effect was attained. Remember – you saw it first right here – The Psycho Services newsletter.
Seeing as how the odd newsletter seems to get perused by "insiders", we would like to take this opportunity to point out that most of the rumours that get spread around the cycle industry are way too boring. Here’s some new ones. Pick whichever you like….
Hot new rumours:
Cycle Services is an undercover base for Mormon missionaries from Wisconsin.
Our aim is to make as little profit as possible, because money is evil. We give away a free bike with every inner tube.
We give our customers drugs that make them want to take the free bikes that we give away.
We have a large crew of rhesus monkeys assembling bikes for department stores, in our assembly area under the toilet.
We hate working with bicycles, but we couldn’t get jobs as parking wardens because we failed the friendly personality section of the parking warden aptitude test.
The entire Cycle Services shop a) fell off the back of a truck.
OR b) floated down the Hutt on a barbed wire canoe
OR c) landed in a space shuttle from Uranus
Everything we say is true. We are gods. We can easily beat John Tomac. We are international road cyclists.
It had to happen, even clean living mountain bikers are frequently being exposed to the risk of SIDS, a potentially fatal, but until recently unheard of new syndrome. A rider is "just riding along", when all of a sudden they are SID. SIDS, or Sudden Instant Death Syndrome, is a result of massive equipment failure, at exactly the wrong time. Score yourself in this questionnaire:
Straight blade forks (5 points)
Sub 140g handlebars that cost less than $100 (10 points)
Std non-suspension forks (5 points)
Massively stiff frame that’s very light (5 points)
Massively stiff frame that’s heavy (2 points)
Radial spoke front wheel (2 points)
Any other bargain priced lightweight bits (1 point each)
High tyre pressure – over 35lbs off road (2 points)
Age of bike (5 points per year)
Ferretuno bike from the Ware Out House (400 points)
Big, heavy, strong, muscly (5 points)
Fat, obese, flabby, overweight (5 points)
Hardcore, nihilist, thrasher, "real rider" (10 points)
You mean actually ride off road ? (10 points)
Maintenance, what’s that ? (10 points)
Airtime – height x distance (1 point per sq. m)
Lots and lots of point (over 40) – Buy some really good handlebars, check everything for cracks, and unless you like road riding heaps, try to reduce some stress somewhere (suspension, diet, go softcore, etc).
Quite a lot of point (20-40) – Could be dodgy – are you expecting too much from your equipment ? All types of metal are subject to fatigue ! Check yours out.
So few points as to be able to count them on your toes and fingers (under 20) – Chances are, your bike won’t break. But what kind of rider are you anyway ? Live dangerously, take chances, ride off road and get air till your frame snaps, dude !
"Guano bars go off" says Clinton Parrot, one of Wellington’s top coffee drinkers. Clint, a member of the top ranked Cycle Services team, is one of the new breed of highly motivated coffee drinkers setting the pace in New Zealand.
"I don’t have much time for food, but guano bars fit into my life because of their totally whacked out colour, and the way they make me fart in bed later" says Clint, who enjoys the new radish and albatross flavoured guano bars, as well as his old favourites, the original chocolate and penguin Guano bars. "I eat at least a dozen every day – a Guano bar is great before, during and after a coffee, and I usually like to have one soaking in my coffee while I’m drinking it, to bring out that full guano flavour" says the Taranaki born 21 year old, who has lived most of his life in Cuba St. Training hard all winter, this unemployed ex-varsity student has set new standards in coffee consumption, and guano bars have helped give him the edge. You don’t have to be a champion like Clint to appreciate whacked out colours and a good fart – Guano Bar – going beyond food.
We’re sick of the hand-wringing do-gooders who push off so-called responsibility, and ask us to back off on our rides and obey some "rules" of the trail. Rules ? That’s what we ride to get away from. We’re out there to shred, not to cozy up with a bunch of bird watching hikers. Rules were made to be broken and here’s what we think of them. (reprinted from VELO NEWS USA 1993)
MBD’S TRAIL RULES
Ride on open trails only. Sure, if you want to get stuck with all the rest of the freds out on a Sunday ride with Mom, Pop and junior. Get real ! Nothing gets the blood pumping like a good, illegal ride on a closed trail. Giving rangers the slip is always a rush, and nothing beats pulling an evasive from a pissed-off landowner ! Suggested rides: Mount Tam, any national park.
Leave no trace. Hey, take away the right to do power slides through switchbacks ? Never ! If you can’t chew up the trail at will, what good is mountain biking anyway ?
Control your bike. Snore. Pushing the envelope is what it’s about. Fast is what it’s about. The only control we’re into is when it’s on a sticker on our bar-ends.
Always yield trail. This is the real pisser. Who wants to give up ground to a bunch of dorks on foot ? There’s only two types on people in the world, the quick and the dead. And if they can’t get out of the way fast enough, well, that’s natural selection. There’s nothing like hiker-slalom to sharpen up downhill skills !
Never spook animals. Hey, it’s not our fault horses are so damn skittish. We choose the stealth bomber approach: Come from behind quietly, then zoom past with a yell, turn around, and watch the bucking bronco show !
Plan ahead. Always decide who’s buying the beer before the ride, and make sure he doesn’t get his head kicked in by the horse from No. 5.
It’s not often a legend like myself stoops to such a minor publication but as Wheels and Henry begged for a short burst of enlightening rhetoric, and due to two recent and most annoying occurrences, I decided to bless them with a reply.
Road cycles - I was recently blessed with an opportunity to ride a toothpick not ! road bike. Compared to Mountain thrashing, it’s like ice skating on grease and if there’s any joy in the sport it must be in the cross dressing of roadies seem to go off on. Anyway, wanting to confirm the rumours of unlimited speed and unequalled efficiency I decided to shoot up the Ngaio Gorge, so what happens ? Whilst idling up the Gorge in easy gear yours truly managed to tear the primitive metal frame to pieces.
Lesson – roadies are soft, mountain bikers are hard. The two should be kept separate, as road riding is not conducive to having a good time. Anyway, got to run. Dave mate is hunting me.
Catch U later, B.
Johnson’s Short Track, via Long gully farm, by DFW.
After bugle snapped the key off in the van ignition, we had to ditch the wheels and visit Bugle’s couch for a hardcore lung enhancement programme. Then we went to the top of Hawkin’s Hill and found the track that goes to Long Gully farm, so that we could get to meet the farmer. He was cool but said to ring the 025 number first to ask for permission, or he might flatten Team Nihilist with his hell Nissan Patrol 4 wheel drive. From there we made our way to the Wright’s Hill short track, cremated Peter Pipe, and then travelled down the track in a typical hardcore Nihilist fashion, and then back over to Johnson’s Reserve, Karori.
There we ran into grief – it’s really technical and challenging. This lead to lots of crashing action, including severe tree eating, face plants down banks, and I wanted to congratulate Mr Shimano for inventing SPD pedals that caused me to ream, main and demolish my nads on the crossbar. All in all, this is the kind of sensation I’m looking for. This is what makes me get out of bed in the morning and go off. If you really want to go off, head up to Johnson’s Hill, in the rain, with SPDs and worn out tyres, and try to ride down the track fast without putting a foot down. Free powerbar from DFW to anyone who survives.
S i t e B y F R O T D E S I G N