You have probably all noticed the SALE by now - yes, we really have been sifting about in our little purple cave for 5 years now - we started selling stuff the day we got the shop - February 1st 91, and still havent gotten around to finishing off painting the shelves.
Over 5 years weve dealt with some of the coolest people around, and also run into some real bozos, but overall the one conclusion weve reached is that although all types of people ride bikes, our shop is a magnet for freaks, and thats why we have so many customers.
The changes in the bike business have been pretty huge - for a while back in 91 we were one of only two shops in town, and we got nearly all our stuff from just three wholesalers. We are now in competition with 5 other shops and deal with 43 different wholesalers. These days we have to be totally organised just to avoid getting confused, and some days we even open on time - definitely not something we ever set out to do.
The "WELLINGTON ROCKSHOX FESTIVAL OF MOUNTAIN BIKING" will hopefully put Wellington on the map as the recognised #1 place for Mountain Biking - drop in your most bizarre drug enhanced observation of festival stuff for the next newsletter and we can no doubt make Wellington look really hard core yet again.
Loony hell tripper of the month award goes to Dan Meikelson, who really wanted the $1000 first prize in the mountain bike section at the Birdman contest. Figuring that doing a jump wouldnt be marginal enough, he poured a bottle of paraffin over himself and set himself on fire. Like a speeding human fireball he got halfway to the takeoff ramp when his chain came off. Frantically scootering along, now completely engulfed in flames, he just made it to the ramp and toppled ungracefully into the harbour, disappearing below the waves in a stylee cloud of steam. Amazingly enough, he still has eyebrows, although we cant vouch for the state of his arse!
Fin Clothes at 154 Cuba St are now selling hot furry fluoro mirkins - are we TREND SETTERS OR WHAT?
One thing we have always tried to do is teach punters to speak proper, and to make things easier for those of you who are not exactly linguistic trend-setters, we have included the CS 50 all time favourite words, to be sprinkled liberally into your conversations and literature. Get dribbley or be a hoser!
Yet another Bugle type crossword
Fully Jizz Get drilled
Kick back and chill
In the trade
* Now check your stash, get an angle on, make some shapes and be a bit suss, you too could do the business, cane hard, bend your stalk, and become a psycho hose beast.P.S. To anyone who says theres not enough references to drugs in our newsletters : FREE THE MARIJUANA!!!.....
(Or : How I stopped being a sphincter and learned to be anal)
Step 1. Decide on your idol : Remember, you are nobody, so being yourself is not anal. You must become someone else, a pro, preferably European, a name. An idol must do more than win, they must be stylee, and they must be fully now, e.g. Greg Lemond is not suitable - too old school, too many shot gun pellets, etc. Miguel Indurain is not suitable either, even though he wins a lot - he talks with a funny accent and reads tractor magazines - not hip enough. Claudio Ciapucci or Mario Chippalini are better idol material - Italian, well dressed, not too shunty, good poseurs. But remember, whatever your idol does, you do too, whether its listening to Uriah Heap records or abstaining from sex, so choose your idol carefully - thats the key to being anal.
Step 2. Clean your bike : Now we are talking really clean here - inside your chainwheel bolts, the springs on the backs of your brake calipers, the underneath of your saddle, the inside of your pump. Use the white rag test - if you can leave a mark on anything other than the chain, you have failed at being anal. Obviously, you will not be riding your road bike on wet days - thats what mountain bikes are for. Remember, cleanliness is next to analness.
Step 3. Co-ordinate your outfit : Undoubtedly your idol is signed with one of the top pro teams this season - he is wearing the latest team outfit, so you must do the same. OK, its a bummer that all the last seasons gear is now out of date, but thats the cost of being anal. Its better to be poor and anal than some tasteless sphincter with too much wedge and last seasons outfit. If you look right, you are right.
Step 4. The right bike : That bike youve been cleaning - is it what your idol would ride? Really? No detail is too small here - the right brand of titanium crank bolt plugs, the correct gear ratios, the $170 silk tubulars matured for 18 months in a darkened cupboard wrapped in pages from old Velo News magazines. It goes without saying that your bike is this years model and is worth over $10,000 - if it wasnt, you just wouldnt feel comfortable about sleeping with it, and that wouldnt be anal. (Another reason for keeping it clean!)
Step 5. Pose and be seen : The rewarding time spent alone in the bedroom with your bike is only part of the picture - being successfully anal takes more. Actual riding is required, both to develop suitably shapely leg muscles, and also to be seen. The public in general lack anal appreciation and will never grasp your true stylishness, so the most important person to be seen by is yourself - head for those buildings with big mirror window frontages, for some reflective poseuring, and check out your form. How are your shades, your helmet, your socks?
Leave no stone unturned. Be unceasingly vigilant in your pursuit of analness.
The North Island Cup Winter series has finally finished. The metallic prizes for the Series were limited to a cup for the Senior Mens Epic course winner. The other Series winners and place getters were given either a SUK riding shirt or a bucket of a carciogenic sugar substitute.I bleated and whined (so did someone else) about the dull and matt nature of the prizes (and some other people agreed). Surely I deserve an enormous hoard of glittering baubles. There must have been an oversight regarding the series rewards.
To quickly make amends, send me lots of shiny things or I will jump up and down and hold my breath till I turn blue.
- Mincio Banalli.
Two men who broke into a sex aids shop escaped on bicycles with an inflatable sheep, a blow-up woman and a store dummy, New Plymouth District Court was told this week. Police said Nail Bronson, 23, and an associate smashed in the door of Bimborellas early on February 13 and fled on bicycles. Chased by members of the public, they dropped the booty. Bronson was fined $500 and ordered to pay $455 reparation. He also received instant fines for riding without a helmet, having no lights and riding on the footpath. His associate, Bruce Klingon, has not yet been charged.
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