MARCH 1996
You have probably all noticed the SALE by now - yes, we really have been sifting about in our little purple cave for 5 years now - we started selling stuff the day we got the shop - February 1st 91, and still haven’t gotten around to finishing off painting the shelves.
Over 5 years we’ve dealt with some of the coolest people around, and also run into some real bozos, but overall the one conclusion we’ve reached is that although all types of people ride bikes, our shop is a magnet for freaks, and that’s why we have so many customers.
The changes in the bike business have been pretty huge - for a while back in 91 we were one of only two shops in town, and we got nearly all our stuff from just three wholesalers. We are now in competition with 5 other shops and deal with 43 different wholesalers. These days we have to be totally organised just to avoid getting confused, and some days we even open on time - definitely not something we ever set out to do.
The "WELLINGTON ROCKSHOX FESTIVAL OF MOUNTAIN BIKING" will hopefully put Wellington on the map as the recognised #1 place for Mountain Biking - drop in your most bizarre drug enhanced observation of festival stuff for the next newsletter and we can no doubt make Wellington look really hard core yet again.
Loony hell tripper of the month award goes to Dan Meikelson, who really wanted the $1000 first prize in the mountain bike section at the Birdman contest. Figuring that doing a jump wouldn’t be marginal enough, he poured a bottle of paraffin over himself and set himself on fire. Like a speeding human fireball he got halfway to the takeoff ramp when his chain came off. Frantically scootering along, now completely engulfed in flames, he just made it to the ramp and toppled ungracefully into the harbour, disappearing below the waves in a stylee cloud of steam. Amazingly enough, he still has eyebrows, although we can’t vouch for the state of his arse!
Fin Clothes at 154 Cuba St are now selling hot furry fluoro mirkins - are we TREND SETTERS OR WHAT?
One thing we have always tried to do is teach punters to speak proper, and to make things easier for those of you who are not exactly linguistic trend-setters, we have included the CS 50 all time favourite words, to be sprinkled liberally into your conversations and literature. Get dribbley or be a hoser!
Yet another Bugle type crossword
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| 10 | 11 | 12 | |||||||||||
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| 20 |
| Across | Down |
| 1. Coating to increase breaking power of rims | 1. Popular type of rim brake |
| 4. Make of road frame | 2. Geographic features sometimes detrimental to riding |
| 6. Mildly toxic plant found on some tracks | 3. Measure of distance |
| 7. Speaks eloquently to offending person | 4. Preferred MTB direction |
| 9. Equipment for visual interpretation | 5. Inventor of silly looking but very fast track bikes |
| 10. Chemical responsible for fatigue & muscle pain | 8. Common treatment for muscle injuries |
| 13. Italian motor scooter | 12. Nickname of 4 time Tour de France winner |
| 14. Topping for popular carbo food | 14. 5 Down is one |
| 16. To win | 15. Name of GT downhill bike |
| 18. Protective crusts over flesh wounds | 17. Breathe rapidly |
| 19. Skill essential for maximum cycling enjoyment | 18. Process eliminating evidence of rim roints |
| 20. Device used to hold a rim apart |
Freaked
C.U.
Frottage
Stylee
Vert
Posers
Strictly
Hardcore
Death Vert
Poseurs
Strictly Downhill
Softcore
Hell Vert
Stoners
Gutted
Hoser
Mirkin
Ravers
Masti
Sphincter
Tosser
Triheads
Shuntmeister
Sphincter out
Out there
Coneage
Jizz
Shiny face
Going off
Punters
Fully Jizz Get drilled
Nihilist
Kick back and chill
Grogan
The business
Munted
Hellmen
Hooter
Anal
Dribbler
In the trade
Bogan
Bongwater
Thrasher
Shralving
Postal
Filcher
Cheesies
Get hard
Schwing
Trolleyed
Bungles
Sifting
Holding
Marginal
Frot Out
Fear
Fully Marginal
Frotty
Styling
* Now check your stash, get an angle on, make some shapes and be a bit suss, you too could do the business, cane hard, bend your stalk, and become a psycho hose beast.P.S. To anyone who says there’s not enough references to drugs in our newsletters : FREE THE MARIJUANA!!!.....
Tech Tips - How to be a roadie - 5 easy steps
(Or : How I stopped being a sphincter and learned to be anal)
Step 1. Decide on your idol : Remember, you are nobody, so being yourself is not anal. You must become someone else, a pro, preferably European, a name. An idol must do more than win, they must be stylee, and they must be fully now, e.g. Greg Lemond is not suitable - too old school, too many shot gun pellets, etc. Miguel Indurain is not suitable either, even though he wins a lot - he talks with a funny accent and reads tractor magazines - not hip enough. Claudio Ciapucci or Mario Chippalini are better idol material - Italian, well dressed, not too shunty, good poseurs. But remember, whatever your idol does, you do too, whether it’s listening to Uriah Heap records or abstaining from sex, so choose your idol carefully - that’s the key to being anal.
Step 2. Clean your bike : Now we are talking really clean here - inside your chainwheel bolts, the springs on the backs of your brake calipers, the underneath of your saddle, the inside of your pump. Use the white rag test - if you can leave a mark on anything other than the chain, you have failed at being anal. Obviously, you will not be riding your road bike on wet days - that’s what mountain bikes are for. Remember, cleanliness is next to analness.
Step 3. Co-ordinate your outfit : Undoubtedly your idol is signed with one of the top pro teams this season - he is wearing the latest team outfit, so you must do the same. OK, it’s a bummer that all the last seasons gear is now out of date, but that’s the cost of being anal. It’s better to be poor and anal than some tasteless sphincter with too much wedge and last seasons outfit. If you look right, you are right.
Step 4. The right bike : That bike you’ve been cleaning - is it what your idol would ride? Really? No detail is too small here - the right brand of titanium crank bolt plugs, the correct gear ratios, the $170 silk tubulars matured for 18 months in a darkened cupboard wrapped in pages from old Velo News magazines. It goes without saying that your bike is this years model and is worth over $10,000 - if it wasn’t, you just wouldn’t feel comfortable about sleeping with it, and that wouldn’t be anal. (Another reason for keeping it clean!)
Step 5. Pose and be seen : The rewarding time spent alone in the bedroom with your bike is only part of the picture - being successfully anal takes more. Actual riding is required, both to develop suitably shapely leg muscles, and also to be seen. The public in general lack anal appreciation and will never grasp your true stylishness, so the most important person to be seen by is yourself - head for those buildings with big mirror window frontages, for some reflective poseuring, and check out your form. How are your shades, your helmet, your socks?
Leave no stone unturned. Be unceasingly vigilant in your pursuit of analness.
The North Island Cup Winter series has finally finished. The metallic prizes for the Series were limited to a cup for the Senior Mens Epic course winner. The other Series winners and place getters were given either a SUK riding shirt or a bucket of a carciogenic sugar substitute.I bleated and whined (so did someone else) about the dull and matt nature of the prizes (and some other people agreed). Surely I deserve an enormous hoard of glittering baubles. There must have been an oversight regarding the series rewards.
To quickly make amends, send me lots of shiny things or I will jump up and down and hold my breath till I turn blue.
- Mincio Banalli.
Sex shop robbed of blow-up sheep
Two men who broke into a sex aids shop escaped on bicycles with an inflatable sheep, a blow-up woman and a store dummy, New Plymouth District Court was told this week. Police said Nail Bronson, 23, and an associate smashed in the door of Bimborellas early on February 13 and fled on bicycles. Chased by members of the public, they dropped the booty. Bronson was fined $500 and ordered to pay $455 reparation. He also received instant fines for riding without a helmet, having no lights and riding on the footpath. His associate, Bruce Klingon, has not yet been charged.
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