HOW’S YOUR ARSE?
Americans say ass when they mean arse. An ass is actually a donkey like animal that makes braying noises (but that’s another story), and is popular among people who either can’t afford a horse, or don’t have living space for one.
Getting back to the whole arse thing, there is also a lot of confusion about what makes an arse. Should it be full and rounded like two large pumpkins side by side, or should it be small and flat like a phone book entrapped in a pair of knickers?
Phillip K Dick believed that the world was comprised of multiple parallel universes and when it comes to arses, there are clearly multiple parallel arse ideals.
One is “Women’s magazine” arse. These magazines appear to be written by gay men who are drawn to looking at the arses of boys, but who realise that by preying on the insecurities of women with larger arses than boys, they can sell all sorts of crap. It also gives them a good cover story to distract onlookers from noticing that they are spending a lot of time looking at well groomed school boys.
Another arse universe is surgically enhanced arse world. In this parallel, arses, like breasts, must be surgically enhanced. There is money to be made here, so it goes without saying that the procedure is completely safe and it would be impossible to change the shape of one’s arse through, say, exercise or diet.
A third and also very profitable arse universe is the one where arses can be rapidly transformed into full, spectacular, rotund monuments to the female form, just by doing hard workouts in the gym and taking some arse supplements. This process takes three to seven days. (Some women may find the process takes longer, but should persist until they get the results they desire.)
In the male parallel, arses, like breasts, are things to be looked at and assessed, like car engines and computer specs, but unlike cars and computers, they are not things to aspire to actually own (except vicariously).
Some men do possess their own breasts (man-boobs) and some also have arses that are larger than most school boy admiring women’s magazine editors would consider optimal. But these man curves are not considered assets.
The consistent thing across all arse universes is that the answer to the question “how’s your arse?” is “at less than its full potential”. But your arse goals can be achieved through well directed financial expenditure, and hard work (preferably driven by guilt, but fear, envy and inadequacy are all helpful too.)
Arses are not for sitting about on, In fact, sitting is the new smoking, and you should spend all day standing at your standing desk, walking at your treadmill desk, or squatting on your squatty potty.
And now for a real bunch of arse…
Wear your arse with pride, and remember that every time you replace the word ass on the internet with the word arse, an American somewhere gets confused and forgets to shoot someone.
Arse is not just a word – arse is a lifestyle