Being a day ahead of most of you, I know some things you don’t. So this is all intended as financial advice. You should fully commit every dollar you can borrow and invest in my predictions:

OK lets start with cryptos. They are going to go 10% lower than they are now, before starting to very slowly climb in February. And by the end of 2019 they will be worth 50% more than they are now. So down 10, then up 50 – not quite 2017, but better than 2018 or a kick up the arse.

The cryptos that will do better than average are Dash, Monero, Etherium and Steem. Meanwhile EOS will sit around with it’s finger up it’s arse, and Bitcoin will be a total lemon as well.

Steem will drop to a low of 22 cents before climbing all the way up to $2.20 by the end of the year for a 10 fold increase.

Bullion will only go up around 10% over the year but it’s a good insurance policy, because we are playing with fire here. The American economy is on thin ice, and if it goes into recession could potentially drag everything else down with it. But it will probably sort of hang together for another year, because there has to be some reason for Mexican transvestites to want to migrate to America.

Sharemarkets are all heading down, so shares of any kind are bad investments, and really there is very little else looking hopeful at this point. If you have money burning a hole in your pocket I recommend investing in art. The key growth area in art is freaky pictures of weird shit in bright colours, especially in digital format. These will go up in value faster than any other investment, so you should seek out such art and buy it at any price.

Here are five highly recommended artworks suitable for investment:

@frot –  “Freaks doing pervy shit” – digital – whatever size you like – $299

@frot –  “A big fuck off onion” – digital – whatever size you like – $299

@frot –  “After the pills kicked in” – digital – whatever size you like – $299

@frot –  “Then I was abducted and probed” – digital – whatever size you like – $299

@frot –  “Satan asked to fondle my arse” – digital – whatever size you like – $299