{"id":19401,"date":"2020-10-26T08:38:45","date_gmt":"2020-10-25T19:38:45","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.frot.co.nz\/design\/?p=19401"},"modified":"2021-09-11T16:41:59","modified_gmt":"2021-09-11T04:41:59","slug":"the-great-american-fart-a-novel","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.frot.co.nz\/design\/funny\/the-great-american-fart-a-novel\/","title":{"rendered":"The Great American Fart \u2013 A NOVEL"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Inspired by the monetisation of serialized novels, I have commenced writing my own masterpiece:<\/strong><\/h3>\n

I sit at my desk and begin writing my new novel. I type each word with intense concentration, sculpting my novel into the great American masterpiece. I lick my lips and gaze lovingly down at my shiny new laptop running Windows 10.<\/p>\n

I call it \u201cThe Great American Fart \u2013 A NOVEL\u201d It\u2019s imperative that it\u2019s named \u201cA Novel\u201d because otherwise it might be mistaken for a manual, a booklet, or a shopping list.<\/p>\n

I start with my dedication. \u201cTo Gwyneth, My Love, My Life Partner, My Muse, My Best Friend\u201d I scratch my nutsack, and agonize over the fact that I\u2019m gay, but a dedication to Roger won\u2019t move as many units, so I dedicate this, my life\u2019s work, to my cat, and come to terms with my own heroism.<\/p>\n

I go through my own personal torment of creating the first paragraph. The gateway to my new life. A start to a book that will change the world. I sip my coffee and contemplate the new “Butt Lifter” underwear I will soon order online from Ali Express.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

I haven\u2019t really got a clue what to write about, so I write about the torment of not being able to express myself. And donuts. In first person present tense, urgent, cutting edge, hip, and avoiding all clich\u00e9.<\/p>\n

I allow myself to take a break to eat breakfast \u2013 my self enforced martyrdom has to end eventually, and iced donuts wait eagerly in the refrigerator. I scratch my nutsack with anticipation.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

\n

<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Inspired by the monetisation of serialized novels, I have commenced writing my own masterpiece: I sit at my desk and begin writing my new novel. I type each word with intense concentration, sculpting my novel into the great American masterpiece. I lick my lips and gaze lovingly down at my shiny new laptop running Windows […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":20542,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"spay_email":""},"categories":[54,12],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/www.frot.co.nz\/design\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/MG5aEqKFcQiBEm1JsJDLH32ZXwT9UAsKTaES3BtU8A9eXbVv59hq95JZzEmMcdyZ9eVNKXTfoaEgBdJRfpzmRpmpGMVeFP38S.jpg","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":10254,"url":"https:\/\/www.frot.co.nz\/design\/like\/hot-karl-action\/","url_meta":{"origin":19401,"position":0},"title":"HOT KARL ACTION \u2013 KICK ARSE ROCK MUSIC FROM THIS CENTURY","date":"November 27, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"HOT KARL ACTION \u2013 KICK ARSE ROCK MUSIC FROM THIS CENTURY Following on from my HOT BABOON ACTION CD compilation, and still armed with my trusty CD burner, I made my last compilation CD in 2009. 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Back in the 90's I had lots\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "PHOTOS BY FROT"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":7177,"url":"https:\/\/www.frot.co.nz\/design\/wordpress\/about-this-frot-blog\/","url_meta":{"origin":19401,"position":3},"title":"ABOUT THIS FROT BLOG","date":"May 14, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"ABOUT THIS FROT BLOG Blogging has changed greatly from 2006 when I first did it to second time around in 2016. For me it used to be very much a separate thing from having a website, I was posting short random posts on my Blogger blog, and it was generally\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "FROT DESIGN"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.frot.co.nz\/sift\/images_windows\/windows.10.fail.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":16252,"url":"https:\/\/www.frot.co.nz\/design\/like\/living-vicariously\/","url_meta":{"origin":19401,"position":4},"title":"LIVING VICARIOUSLY","date":"November 25, 2019","format":false,"excerpt":"Get a dose of speed. Long ago in the 90's I was into the new sport of downhill mountainbiking. Back then we started out riding hardtails with three inch travel forks and it was like racing kango hammers. We got punished! These days I'm a broken old fart who makes\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "LIKE"","img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.frot.co.nz\/design\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/11\/dan-atherton-1.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":12878,"url":"https:\/\/www.frot.co.nz\/design\/funny\/the-martian-anal-division\/","url_meta":{"origin":19401,"position":5},"title":"THE MARTIAN ANAL DIVISION","date":"January 11, 2019","format":false,"excerpt":"THE MARTIAN ANAL DIVISION I once wrote about a short story by Philip K Dick, called \u201cThe Martian Anal Division\u201d, and it was about a parallel version of our world in which everything is run by and for the benefit of a small but cunning collection of Martian invaders. 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