HOW TO WASTE MORE TIME ON THE INTERNET

If you are reading my blog, you probably already have considerable skills in this area and don’t need advice from an amateur like me. You are probably too busy to read this post anyway so just stare at this picture for a few moments and relieve yourself.

Now I’m going to blather on a bit, because doing a blog post is a great way to end the day, so here are five easy ways to waste more time on the internet. (Don’t panic I promise not to blurt)

EMAIL – A huge pile of spam awaits me every morning. My first job for the day is to send a funny email to all my contacts to jolly up their boring day. Today I sent out a total crack up email about chickens!

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

DONALD TRUMP: I’ve been told by my many sources, good sources – they’re very good sources – that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it’s a really good road. It’s a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN: Why did the chicken do the…thing in the…you know the rest.

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he’s a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

AOC: Chickens should not be forced to lay eggs! This is because of corporate greed! Eggs should be able to lay themselves.

HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where’s my gun?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken’s intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won’t realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.

ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he’s guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I’ve not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

2. GAB – There are lots of funny pictures on GAB so I must look at them before I do anything else – here are a few LOLERS from my feed today:

3. CRYPTOS – This is the part where I delude myself that I’m doing something productive – I go and stare at my crypto portfolio and pretend I know what’s going on. Actually Cardano is looking quite interesting today – I hope that bad boy takes off because I bought a shitload of them cheap and if they go places I could grow fins and turn into a whale.